


sorry

by maliciousmuke



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Use, M/M, Pining, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-10
Updated: 2015-08-10
Packaged: 2018-04-14 00:25:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4543143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maliciousmuke/pseuds/maliciousmuke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>michael falls in love with luke and tries to kiss him four times, and luke pushes him away until he can't handle the heartbreak any longer</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. attempt one

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: do not read this story if you are triggered by self hatred, alcohol abuse, drug use, or suicide. thank you!
> 
> this is a short story, and it's really sad. i cried a little while i was writing it, not gonna lie. i don't know if it's good or not, so maybe leave feedback? enjoy! or don't, that's okay too.

michael looked at the way luke’s eyes shined in the lights of the night club, watched colors flash through them. his eyes strayed to luke’s lips, luke pretty pink lips. the sudden urge to press the against his own was overwhelming, and he couldn’t help but start to lean in.

luke noticed, and he pulled back instantly, stepping away from michael. the blonde stared at michael incredulously, and michael shook his head lightly, coming back to his senses. luke stared at michael for a few more seconds, before turning and walking away. 

luke confronted michael about the incident later. they were sitting on the couch, watching tv. “you shouldn’t do that,” he said flatly, “i’m not gay.”

michael deflated a little as he studied the emotionless look on luke’s face. of course luke didn’t want michael to kiss him. michael didn’t even understand why he wanted to kiss luke. “yeah, sorry. won’t happen again.”

michael left the apartment, wondering if two in the afternoon was too early to get drunk. he felt tears welling up in his eyes, and he quickly decided it was never too early to drink away your problems. so he headed to the closest bar. 

he ordered the strongest alcohol they had, and downed a couple shots. he started thinking, mainly about luke. why did he want to kiss luke? luke was his bandmate, his friend. you’re not supposed to feel that way about people who are so close to you. so why did he get a fuzzy feeling in his stomach when he looked at luke for more than a few seconds?

he drank a few more shots and stumbled to the dance floor. he pulled a boy to him by the collar and roughly pressed their lips together. michael swore under his breath when he felt nothing. he felt more than that when luke’s fingertips mindlessly brushed his fucking arm. 

michael stayed out the rest of the day, only returning home at nearly midnight. he walked into the apartment he shares with luke, cal, and ash to see them all sitting on the couch. 

calum and ashton jumped to their feet, immediately firing questions at him. michael hadn’t expected them to notice that he was gone, or care, for that matter. luke, however, stayed sitting. “are you drunk?” ashton asked.

michael stared at luke for a few more seconds before tearing his eyes away from the blonde. “not drunk enough,” he muttered, heading to his bedroom and locking the door behind him.

michael collapsed on his bed, kicking off his shoes and curling up under the comforter. he’s grateful that calum and ashton didn’t try to follow him, because he wasn’t sure what he’d have told them. 

that night, michael concluded that he liked luke. he just didn't know how to stop.


	2. attempt two

michael had thought a lot since that night. mostly about how to stop liking luke. he still had no answer. he was glad the band was on a break from tour, because michael wasn’t sure if he would have been able to play shows like this. 

he went out and got hammered every night, fucking any guys he could as he tried to stop thinking about luke. he realized that it wasn’t exactly a smart plan, but it was the only one he had. michael couldn’t get help from anyone, what would people think if he told them that he’d fallen for his bandmate?

calum and ashton didn't even seem to care. every once in a while they'd ask how he was, or what he'd been doing every night, but they ignored his self destruction for the most part. they just watched as he fell apart, and that felt like someone had stuck a knife in his chest and just twisted it around.

michael trudged home after another one night stand, and his breath smelled strongly like the disgustingly sour beer he’d been served all night. he wasn’t drunk anymore, hardly even buzzed. just enough to numb the stinging pain in his chest. 

he entered the apartment as quietly as he could; he didn’t want to wake anyone. calum and ashton had been worried about him, but he didn’t know what to tell them. luke and michael didn’t speak anymore. they tried to avoid any situations where they’d even have to be in the same room.

michael walked into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water, and luke was already there. “hi,” michael breathed.

“are you okay, mike?” luke cut to the chase, eyes trained on the hickey peeking out of michael’s shirt collar and his obvious sex hair. 

michael nodded, not realizing he was stepping closer to luke. he was doing that thing again, where his brain shut out anything other than luke’s mouth. he could see it moving, but no words made it through his head.

before he knew it, michael was leaning in to kiss luke. he was pushed backwards rather suddenly, the metaphorical fog lifting from his brain. he stumbled into the counter, skin burning where luke had touched him. 

“stop that, michael. i don’t like you. i’m straight,” luke hissed, slipping out of the kitchen and into his bedroom. 

michael shuffled to his room, forgetting about his glass of water. luke didn’t like him. of course he didn’t, why would he? michael fell onto his bed and pulled relentlessly at his hair. 

michael’s thoughts took a turn for the worse, dwelling on his own imperfections. of course luke didn’t like him. michael was ugly, fat, stupid, worthless. luke liked pretty, nice girls. michael fell asleep with tears staining his cheeks and self hatred coursing through his veins.


	3. attempt three

michael sat at the bar, wallowing in thoughts of luke. luke, who didn’t like him. who would never like him. 

michael turned slowly when he felt a tap on his shoulder. a man held something out to him, and michael looked closer to see a few colorful tablets. “you look sad, mate. these’ll make you feel better.”

michael nodded and smiled thankfully. he tipped his head back and swallowed one, then two. michael didn’t care what they were, he just wanted to feel better, like that man had said.

after about twenty minutes, michael started to feel different. his vision blurred around the edges, and he felt a dopey smile grace his features. he hopped down off the bar stool and stepped outside, heading in the direction towards home. 

along the way he found himself laughing at an abundance of things. leaves falling from trees, people passing by him. michael felt lighter, happier. he liked it. 

when he finally got home, he stumbled into luke’s room. the blonde was sitting on his bed and watching tv. michael collapsed next to him and smiled at him.

luke shot michael a confused expression, turning down the volume of the tv. “what’re you doing, michael?”

“hi, luke,” he giggled. luke looked so pretty, even when michael’s vision was blurred. 

“michael, what did you do?” michael was too high to notice the panicked tone to luke’s voice. he was too concentrated on the pretty blue color of luke’s eyes. 

“i dunno. someone gave me these- these tablets. said they’d make me happy. i just want to be happy, luke,” michael hiccuped. he smiled dopily at the blonde before trying to press their lips together. 

luke jumped back off the bed, pointing to the door. “i told you to stop, michael. i don’t want you to kiss me. get out.” luke’s voice was firm, and michael felt his eyes fill with tears. he left the room before luke could notice and went to the bathroom, puking out all the alcohol and drugs. 

michael shuffled to the bedroom once he was done. he fell onto his bed, feeling worse than he had before he’d taken the drugs.


	4. attempt four

michael kicked the wall as hard as he could, screaming about anything and everything. the boys had left for lunch, but michael wanted to stay behind. he pulled a bottle of vodka from under his bed and downed a quarter of it, collapsing backwards onto the bed. 

he felt sobs building up in his chest, and he tried his damned hardest to hold them back. it didn’t work. tears ran down his face, broken cries and strangled screams ripping their way up his throat. 

michael felt a burning pain in his foot, where he’d kicked the wall, but he didn’t care. he stood up again and swung his fist at the wall, pulling back to see blood dripping from his knuckles. 

michael’s heart hurt. he loved luke, he’d come to terms with this sometime in the last hour or so. luke hated him. michael thought back to every time he’d tried to kiss luke, the blonde’s disgusted face burning into his mind. luke didn’t want michael. michael didn’t even want himself. 

he heard the boy’s enter the apartment. he listened to their muffled voices as ashton and calum said they were leaving again, to some sports game. luke said he was staying. 

michael left his bedroom once he heard the front door slam shut, entering the living room to see luke standing there. “michael, why are you crying? you’re bleeding!”

michael stepped up to luke; this was the last time. the last time he’d try to kiss luke, then he was done. done trying, done being heartbroken over luke. 

luke pushed him, stepping away with an angry look on his face. “fuck, michael! i’m sick of you trying to kiss me! how many times do i have to say i don’t want you? just give up already, jesus christ!”

so michael did.


	5. attempt one: objective complete

michael stared blankly at the bottle of pills. there were plenty, more than enough to do the job. he dumped twenty or so into his hand, and a tiny smile found it’s way onto his face. this was it. michael was going to be free. he was going to be happy again, rid of his endless heartbreak. 

he took a mouthful of water, knowing he wouldn’t be able to swallow them dry. he tilted his head back and dumped them into his mouth. he forced them all down, just to be sure he wouldn’t wake up. 

michael laid down in bed, clutching the piece of paper with his messy handwriting on it to his chest. it read: to luke- i’m sorry i loved you so much. his goal wasn’t to make luke feel guilty, he just wanted people to know why he did it. he was heartbroken. 

this way, it would spare him all the conspiracy theories on why he’d killed himself. it would spare calum and ashton from having to listen to people make up their own reasons. he figured luke wouldn’t care. 

after laying in bed for about twenty minutes, michael’s stomach began to ache. he took deeper breaths, keeping himself from throwing up. his head began to spin, and it felt like someone had stabbed him in the gut. 

the boys had gone to some concert earlier in the day, they wouldn’t be back for hours. most certainly not soon enough to save him. 

michael’s life wasn’t flashing before his eyes, or maybe it was. all he saw was luke. maybe luke had become his life, so that’s all he saw. he felt silent tears running down his face, but he wasn’t sad. he was in pain. it hurt so badly, but he knew it would be over soon. 

michael thought of luke. he imagined himself somewhere else, in a universe where luke had loved him back. oh, how he wished he was in that universe. he imagined how things were before, when he and luke would cuddle for hours, watching mean girls on repeat. 

michael thought of luke as the pain dulled, and he thought of luke as his vision faded to black. the only thing filling michael’s thoughts as he died was luke. in both life and death, luke was the only thing coursing through michael’s veins. and that was the closest thing to a love story that michael got.


	6. epilogue

luke paced back and forth on the white tiles of the hospital waiting room, waiting for any news from michael’s doctor. he had michael’s note crumpled in his hand, and the words on it made him want to throw up.

luke rushed over to the doctor when he stepped into the room. he looked at the man with hopeful eyes, but the doctor just shook his head. “he didn’t make it.”

it felt like luke’s entire world had just been knocked off balance. he fell to his knees, squeezing his eyes shut and pinching his arm as hard as he could. this wasn’t real; it was just a dream. he would wake up and see michael coming home with alcohol on his breath to try and kiss him. 

but he wouldn’t. luke let sobs rack through his body, his cries echoing through the hospital. he didn’t care. michael was dead. and it was his fault. why had he kept pushing michael away? why hadn’t he just fucking kissed the boy?

luke loved michael, he loved him with all his heart. he tried so hard to push it away, and he pushed michael away in the process. and it killed him. luke was so selfish, only worrying about how the media would feel about him being gay. why couldn't he have just seen that michael was the only thing that had mattered? he was too caught up in himself, ignoring michael's blatant cries for help. 

luke felt hands pull him to his feet, but he roughly shrugged them off. he sprinted for the hospital door, and he knew no one would be able to catch up to him. luke ran and ran and ran until he was finally where he wanted to be. 

his legs burned as he sat on the edge of the bridge, letting his legs dangle off the side. he could hear a woman screaming from behind him, telling him to come back off the ledge. he tuned out her voice. 

luke stared down at the icy blue and green water below him, and it probably should have scared him. but it didn’t. it looked inviting and nice; it was his ticket back to michael.

luke stood to his feet. he curled his toes as they peeked over the edge of the bridge. he let a small smile grace his features before he fell forward, plummeting down to the water. 

luke hit the water, and it was instant. everything went black, and he felt good. better than he had before. luke was grateful that there had been no pain, but the doctor had told them it wasn’t the same for michael. 

luke was numb. he felt like he was floating. and then he wasn’t. he could feel a floor under him, and he wondered what had happened. he was dead, you don’t feel anything when you’re dead. 

he stood to his feet, looking around a blank grey room. it was empty, and he found his eyes drawn to a door. he listened as a key jiggled in the lock, before the door swung open. 

there he was. his purple hair sat fluffily atop his head, and his green eyes shone in contrast to the deep violet. his skin was back to its normal, pale shade, much prettier than it had been when luke had last seen him. 

he stepped further into the room, and he looked so much healthier. there were no more bags or dark circles under his eyes, and his green irises were bright, like the way they used to be. his skin was clear, no more alcohol in his system to fuck up his hormones. 

a large smile broke out on luke’s face, and he rushed forward to wrap his arms around the boy. he pulled back only slightly, so he could look at the beautiful boy in front of him. and when the purple haired boy started to lean in, luke closed the gap between them.

**Author's Note:**

> you can leave feedback via the comments or my [tumblr!](http://www.maliciousmikey.tumblr.com/)
> 
> thanks for reading!


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